Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The Fatitudes

The Fatitudes
by Joann Flora

In the beginning....
God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said: You want hot fudge with that? And Man said: yes! And Woman said: I'll have one too, with sprinkles.

And, lo, they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man had found so fair.

And Satan brought forth refined white flour from the wheat and processed Sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said:Try my fresh green garden salad.

And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said:I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.

And Satan brought forth deep-fried battered zucchini and mushrooms that Man ate with coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken-fried steak...so big that it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with vitamin C, potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and slicked the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes and gyms so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with Nintendo and a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

God then gave them lean fish and poultry so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and the 99 cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: You want fries with that?

And Man replied: Yes! And super size 'em!

And man developed diabetes.
And, lo, Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed....and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then...Satan chuckled and created HMO's and medical insurance.


From my friend, Jenn Celacks

Wickedly Yours,
Fran

4 comments:

Callisto said...

I put on sooo much weight in my last pregnancy... I blame satan.

In this country which was once obsessed with PLAYING sport it seems we are now more into WATCHING sport whilst sitting on our increasingly large butts, pity the children.

I try and limit the amount of sedentary time my kids have and I make sure they eat very little refined/sugary food. I wish I could do the same myself!

Fran Friel said...

It's a darn addiction, Callisto - creates a vicious cycle with the blood sugar and the insulin. I've been working with a program called The Carbohydrate Addicts Program. It's slow going weight-loss-wise, but it really helps stop the craving cycle so many of us are caught in. It's also helped clear a lot of foggy-headedness in the afternoon. And I'm sleeping better, too.

You're doing a great thing for your kids. I wish my parents had been able to do the same for me. My daughter didn't have refined sugar or snacks until she was 4, and the neighbors gave them to her, and then the grandparents sabotaged, as well.

But she's healthy, active, fit and beautiful so it's worked out okay. ;-)

Good to see you.

Fran

Richard said...

I'm fat. Does anyone have a recipe for this thing I've heard about called a "salad?"

Moose said...

Callisto, men sit on their big butts watching sports.

Women sit on their big butts watching Oprah and Dr. Phil.

Please Share This. TY!